The Journal of Madie Beartri

Journal 85

This morning was an utter waste of my time. It was frustrating and I was peeved by the time I made it back home. I walked out to the Spurs Fort to see Joshua. I wanted to apologize for my behavior the other day after waking up from that awful nightmare. I have a sneaky feeling Joshua’s boys sent me on a wild goose chase. Joshua wasn’t at the main house so I asked a couple of his guards if they could point me in Joshua’s direction. One of the guards said Joshua was out with the herd trying to catch a wounded cow. I walked out to the herd. It was a good twenty-minute walk. I twisted my ankle and stepped in a cow patty. I also barely avoided an angry rattlesnake.

There were six people riding horses around the herd but no Joshua. I had just missed him. Trevor said Joshua rode back to the main house via one of the nearby farms. He went to pick up a bag of corn or something. I asked if I could get a ride back to the main house. I think chivalry is dead. There were no volunteers.

I wasn’t happy but I walked the twenty minutes back to the main house. When I arrived at the main house “the second time,” Cage said Joshua had run into town on an errand. No one seemed to know when he would be back.

Out of curiosity, I asked if anyone had told Joshua I had been by. Everyone looked at me with blank expressions on their faces. I took that as a no. Alternatively, they did tell him, and he didn’t care and was trying to avoid me. I am thinking it was the latter. I asked one of the guards to please tell Joshua I had been by I really wanted to talk to him.

Journal 84

I woke up early, showered and then went down to breakfast. I ran into Tony and Victor in the kitchen this morning. Victor was moving slowly. I watched him struggle to get in and out of his chair. It was quite sad watching the little runt struggle like that. Not really, I have no sympathy for his pain. I really wasn’t feeling sorry for him at all.

For a few moments, I thought Tony had worked him over yesterday. Victor didn’t even look me in the eyes, although, he did say, “Hi Madie”. It was an attitude improvement. I looked at Tony and then looked at Victor. Tony smiled and said he and Victor worked out in the gym for a couple of hours yesterday. This would explain why Victor couldn’t move today. He must have overworked a few of his muscles. Tony was trying to show Victor a new way of using his bottled-up energy that didn’t include making a pest of himself. Victor won’t be making a pest of himself for a couple of days. He can’t even move most of his body parts. I’m quietly laughing inside.

Journal 83

Victor is still a pain in the butt. I don’t know why that boy insists on tormenting me. Victor spent all morning playing outside my door. There are other people he can be a pest to so why does he insist on making my life miserable? I think Victor is trying to push me over the edge.

I listened to Victor quote lines from Aloysius and marched back and forth outside my door for an hour. I politely asked him to stop and then closed my door. He just got louder and louder. I stormed out of my room and then I chased him all around the school before cornering him in the cafeteria. There was a knife right there within my reach, all I had to do was reach over and grab it.

Believe me when I say I had evil thoughts about tearing him to shreds with that knife. Lucky for Victor I am a not a crazy woman. Tony intercepted me beating up the little runt. I didn’t get the chance to lay a hand on Victor, but I wanted to. I left the cafeteria as Victor was telling Tony I had no sense of humor.

I spent the afternoon with Hemy searching for a place where Hemy heard had bolts of fabric for sale. I think we traveled a good ten miles. We never found the store. We did discover a building converted into a hall for the followers of Aloysius. I wanted to go in and check things out, but Hemy didn’t like the idea. Hey, they were giving out free food. Hemy said she would rather be hungry than to mingle with the crazy.

Journal 82

I think Lisa stayed a little too long recruiting for Aloysius in Bear Country today. She upset many people. I think people would have been able to ignore the recruitment speech if Lisa wasn’t focusing on the littlest ones in Bear Country. I ignored Lisa most of the day but apparently, a few other people couldn’t. I think Lisa pushed a little too far when she tried to walk out of Bear Country with four of the smallest children.

Pete said it was very much like a scene from the Pied Piper. The children happily followed her. I was in my room when I heard a loud ruckus coming from the front entrance. Several of the senior gang members were yelling a Lisa for trying to take their children. Lisa was as calm as could be. She claims they were only going outside to play games.

She was and she wasn’t. I don’t know but I would have been a bit peeved if she had wanted to take my child outside without asking, if I had a child. Lisa calmly apologized to everyone. She said she meant no harm. Lisa left a few moments later but not before saying she would be back tomorrow.

Pete held a meeting. Not by choice but because several people insisted Lisa be banned from returning to Bear Country. Pete said he wouldn’t ban Lisa from coming into her home. I suggested we take a vote, majority rules. I didn’t want to see Lisa banned from Bear Country, but I didn’t think it was just Pete’s decision to make even though he was our gang leader. We voted and Lisa could stay. We would not allow her to be alone with the children and recruiting for Aloysius must occur outside the doors of Bear Country.

Journal 81

Lisa has returned to Bear Country. She came back to recruit followers for Aloysius. It was a bit unnerving to see her dressed all in white. I was walking out of the cafeteria with a plate of salad. I was so startled to see her dressed all in white that I dropped the plate. It shattered all over the floor. Lisa has always been a calm-natured person but today she was unusually calm, not unlike the people in my dreams. I can’t shake the feeling that Aloysius is bad.

I know that Aloysius is the leader of a cult. Ok, he is the leader of a cult, but cults come and go all the time. There really isn’t any harm in them, not really. Most cults are just fads that last a little while. The followers of Aloysius don’t seem to be bad people. They parade around a lot and like to party, and they can be a bit overzealous in the recruiting department, but I have not seen anything that would indicate they are evil.

Most of the followers of Aloysius are on the streets to help people. Of course, a few groups yell to the top of the buildings that if you don’t follow Aloysius you are doomed. These are the extremist, and I have only seen a few. My brain is broken. If my mom were alive, she would have taken me to see a good psychiatrist by now.

Victor has been tormenting me all day long by walking around like a zombie. He has been a major pest and if he comes around me one more time today, I am going to kick him in his little butt. Victor overheard me talking to Tony about my dream or rather my nightmare.

I was trying to apologize to Tony and explain the things that happened in my dream. I wanted Tony to understand why I believed what I believed when I woke up. I feel like an idiot, but that dream felt so real. I feel awful and a little embarrassed that I thought that Tony, Pete, or anyone in Bear Country could have been a part of that awful group in my dream.

Journal 80

I swear I honestly had no idea the last few days were only a dream. I am not sure what Joshua was thinking as he held me trying to comfort me, but he was making an honest effort to figure out what was wrong. I must have seemed off my rocker. I would have assumed drugs (aka Bliss), alcohol or a mental break if it were anyone else. In Joshua’s eyes, I doubt I was making any sense at all. It had only been about 12 hours since we played kicked the can down Preston Street.

Tony’s point of view was a little different. He hadn’t seen me in a couple of days. He missed the entire running around the room fiasco. The only thing Tony saw was Joshua’s holding me in his arms. Tony and I have a history. We have a complicated history. I am not certain I know exactly what type of relationship Tony and I have with each other. Sometimes I feel as if our relationship is only one of convenience. I share his bed. He shares mine and the rest of the time, we lead our own lives with no strings attached.

Tony knows Joshua and I are good friends. I have many good friends. With that said, I don’t think Tony appreciated Joshua holding me in his arms. I also don’t think Joshua appreciated Tony throwing a punch, which barely missed my head but struck Joshua’s cheek. A mere split second later, Joshua pushed me aside and pointed his gun at Tony. Tony’s hands fly up into the air. This is where time stands still for a moment. I looked at Joshua and said, “We must go. Tony’s guards will be here in a moment.” or something like that. Tony and Joshua both looked at me and then at each other and simultaneously said “WHAT?”

I gave them both a quick rundown of what had happened over the last few days. I was trying to refresh Tony’s memory. He put me through a great deal of torment. I gave as many details as I could remember including, with the white clothes, the sacrifice of Aleece and Tony holding me hostage. They both listened intently as I gave a rundown of the entire story in a minute.

Joshua put his gun away and apologized to Tony. Tony apologized to Joshua for throwing the punch. Tony looked at Joshua and said he had been gone for two days. Joshua looked at Tony and said he had seen me last night and everything was fine. They both looked at me and shook their heads. It was only a dream and now two of my friends think I am insane. They both left me standing there in the middle of my room in a state of confusion.

Journal 79

I plunged the dagger deep into my own chest. I felt a sharp pain and then gasp for a breath…. When I open my eyes Lost (the four-legged creature that resides out at the Spurs Fort with Joshua.) was standing in the middle of my chest. One of her front toenails left a scratch on my breastbone. Joshua was standing in my doorway. He apologizes for Lost jumping on me. He said he didn’t realize I would still be asleep.

Joshua thought I had gone insane. I threw Lost off me. I jumped out of bed. I looked down. There was no dagger in my chest. No dagger wound either, just a toenail scratch. I was wearing my own clothes. The white robes were gone. I ran around my room like a crazy woman. I asked Joshua how he managed to get past the guards. I peeked out my door into the hallway. Where were the guards? A hundred things were going through my mind at once. I grabbed Joshua by the arm. I told him we had to escape. Where were my shoes? I had a sudden thought. If I wasn’t dead, then Aleece was. I started to cry. Joshua grabbed me and hugged me. He assured me everything was fine. I told Joshua everything wasn’t fine. They’re crazy. They locked me in. They killed Aleece. Joshua held me tighter and tried to calm me down. He wanted to know who they were. I said it was Pete, Tony, and the others. That’s when Tony walked into my room.

Journal 78

“Offer myself?” I did not want to die! The hum in the room got louder and louder. People started saying my name, “Madie…Madie…Madie.” Everyone formed a circle around me. The circle got smaller and smaller. I felt swallowed by the crowd. I couldn’t breathe. I feel someone steal Aleece from my arms. Tony holds Aleece up in the air by the back of her gown. Aleece is crying. Screaming with her little arms outstretched. Casey is chanting with the others. Why isn’t she saving her baby? Tony has the dagger in his other hand preparing to strike Aleece with the blade. Pete is whispering in my ear. “Save Aleece, offer yourself.”

I screamed for everyone to stop. The room goes silent. Tony still had Aleece up in the air preparing to strike her with the dagger. I looked at Tony. I pleaded and begged Tony to put Aleece down. Tony handed Aleece back to Casey and then he handed the dagger to me. The dagger was quite beautiful. The crowd parted to reveal the altar. I walked over to it and sat on the edge. Pete said a prayer or something. I really wasn’t listening. Then he sprinkled me with the same perfume he had put on Aleece. I swung my legs around and lay down. I held the dagger in both hands and raised it high up into the air. I closed my eyes and counted to three.