The Journal of Madie Beartri

Journal 79

The unexpected sometimes happens. I woke up with a tremendous headache. I hurt so bad that sitting up was a challenge. Lisa, Hemy, Kate and Emily were lying in various positions on the cell floor. There was a window in our cell. I couldn’t tell what time it was but the sun was just barely starting to rise. I crawled over to the girls and tried to get them to wake up. They responded in various ways. Emily must have been feeling as bad as I was because she puked all over the floor the moment she sat up. It was all I could do not to follow suit. My first verbal thought was “What the hell happened?” Then there was a sudden panic when I realized that the boys and Aleece weren’t with us.  I started yelling for anyone that was on the other side of the bars, but no one came. I tried shaking the bars, and kicking the bars to get someone’s attention but the activity made my head hurt worse. I fell back down onto the floor. For a moment, I even considered that this whole thing was some awful nightmare brought on by bad fish eaten after the wedding ceremony. I knew I wasn’t dreaming when Lisa asked if she was.

The girls and I tried to piece together what happened. I vaguely remember being jolted awake by hands on my face. It was the same for Kate and Emily. Hemy said she and Matt were sleeping when several dark figures entered their room. She said she didn’t get a good look at anyone because before she could react someone was placing a rag on her mouth and nose.

We are stuck in this cell. I am hoping not for long. With any luck, the boys will have been able to escape our attackers, and they are at this moment planning our rescue.

Journal 78

I think the fresh air does something to people’s minds. Matt and Hemy have decided to marry. I am not surprised because they are always together, and they spend every waking hour in each other’s arms. It must be an amazing feeling to be in love. We don’t live under the same rules and restrictions that our parents lived under. A marriage certificate was required back then. A legal document signed. Today you can just make a verbal commitment to each other and continue with life. There is something special about saying to someone “Will you spend the rest of your life with me?” We still hold ceremonies. Sometimes they are elaborate and sometimes they are simple.

We spent the day gathering flowers and decorating the campsite. A nice meal has been prepared. Hemy is pacing in the next room, rehearsing what she is going to say to Matt in her promise and Matt is next door probably doing the exact same thing. Keeping those two apart for a few hours was a challenge but we did it. I have written a wedding speech to the both of them. It’s somewhat ironic because I have never been in love. (I think I know what love is). Shortly, the ceremony will start and Matt and Hemy will promise to love each other forever.

When Matt and Hemy asked me to write this speech, my first response was to say “No”. Get someone else to write it. I am not qualified. I did a little soul searching and I have experienced love and commitment. I think we all have. I loved my parents and to some degree, I love all of my friends. Little Aleece shows me love every time she blows one of those bubble raspberries. (It’s cute you should really see it.).

We all have commitment to something. As the leader of Bear Country, I have been charged with making sure that our gang remains a viable and productive part of society. I have never experienced true romantic love or known the unspoken commitment that love of that magnitude brings. I was going to try to define love for everyone here today, but “Love” is a personal thing between two people. Only Matt and Hemy can define their Love. I hope that the love that the two of you share lasts forever. Let this day, this ceremony, be a reminder of your commitment to love each other in good times and in bad. Matt and Hemy have written their own vows to each other and have asked us here today to witness this joyous occasion. (Insert their vows here.)

I have written and rewritten. It’s not a long speech but I think it will be satisfactory.

Journal 77

When I was small, my dad introduced me to the pinecone people and their little villages. I think it was his way of keeping me occupied when he and my mom were trying to recuperate from the day’s activities. It worked because I was busy. You can do a great deal with pinecones. They come in a variety of shapes and sizes. I made people and I built cities.

This morning after breakfast, I was showing Runt and Aleece the Pine Cone people. Tony walks up behind me and kisses me on the cheek. I didn’t object to the kiss. It was just a little unexpected. I said, “Good morning.” and then Tony said “Good morning.”  I asked Tony if he had plans for the day. He said he was going to go exploring with Runt and asked me if I wanted to go along. I declined because the girls and I already made plans. That kiss on the cheek has been on my mind all day. It was probably one of those, life is good, I am having a good day kiss. One of those moments when you are just glad to be alive and you need to show it by kissing someone on the cheek. Anyone in the vicinity and I was that person. He probably would have kissed Lisa, Emily, or Kate if they were sitting there.

The girls and I discussed kissing today. We discussed the different types of kisses and their meanings. Apparently, you shouldn’t get excited about a kiss on the cheek.  If it’s nothing to get excited about then why is it still on my mind?

Journal 76

I think everyone has gone to bed. Matt and Hemy disappeared early in the evening. The rest of us sat around the campfire, talked, and laughed. It’s been a good day. It feels so good not to be the one making all the decisions. I lay in the sun. I went swimming in the lake. I collected pinecones. Don’t know why. It just seemed like the thing to do. We talked about girl things. We all talked about the men in our lives. I learned some very interesting details. The boys actually came back with something to eat although I doubt their story about the one that got away.

I think my parents would be proud that I haven’t given up on life. However, it has been so hard. I try not to dwell on the bad things, and I try to enjoy the good things. There have been good things. This vacation is a good thing.

Journal 75

I came to a sudden realization that afternoon at that abandoned building. The life I knew was gone. I wasn’t going to get it back. I cried when I saw that Hannah was dead. It was the last straw. I was not going to continue to live in fear. I had to change things. I thanked Matt and Jonas for saving me. They said they were just passing through the area looking for stuff. I asked them if they belonged to a gang, and they said No in unison. It made me giggle because they answered many of my questions in unison. Matt and Jonas helped me carry Hannah back to the apartment and on the way, I asked them to join my gang. I gave them a long speech about how it was safer and that gangs could change the community for the better.

We buried Hannah that afternoon. It’s easier to dig a hole when you have help. It was a nice service. It was sad but nice. Hannah was a good leader, and I learned a great deal from her in the short couple of weeks that we got to know each other. She had confidence that I didn’t have and strength to continue with life. I think she gave part of that to me.

Deciding on a name for our gang was not an easy task. All of us living in the apartment thought of gang names for several days and then we held a meeting. I can’t remember all of the gang names mentioned but most of them were bad. Let’s see there were the Chieftains, Gators, Blue Jays, Robins, Kawasaki’s, Raccoons, Badgers, and Trojans. The list covered an entire page. We finally decided to refer to ourselves as Highland Heights. This was the name of the gated community.

Life was getting good. We all worked as a team, and we spread the word in the community that gangs could help gangs rebuild our city. Then the fire happened. Someone tried to build a fire in an apartment across the way from ours. We could see it through the windows. It didn’t take long for the fire to get out of hand. Several apartment complexes including ours burned to the ground. We were all homeless. I went to Bear Country High School on Lafayette Blvd. It was just down the road. We decided to break into there and stay for a few days until we could find a new place to live. We never left.

Journal 74

It wasn’t long before I ran out of food in my house. I spent the next day’s going from house-to-house savaging for food.  Most of the homes in my neighborhood were empty. The families that lived there left trying to escape the disease. I became really good at breaking into homes. My problem was that other children were also breaking into homes looking for food. It didn’t take long before every house in my neighborhood had been broken into and picked clean. Sometimes I went days without anything to eat.

My first friend was Hannah. I met her one day while in town. I was looking for food and trying my best to stay away from the Hyenas. They were a particularly brutal gang. Rape seemed to be one of their favorite activities. I made a wrong turn and ended up in an alley with only one exit and the Hyenas were close behind. I ducked behind a pile of crates and boxes. I was trying to be quiet and wishing, hoping the Hyenas were far enough behind me that they didn’t see me go into the alley. Someone grabbed me from behind. I almost had a heart attack. It was Hannah. She told me to be quiet. We slid into a cellar. I believe she saved my life that day.  For the next few weeks, we hung out together. Hannah and I had a lot in common. We were both only children, liked the same music and watched the same TV shows. Both of our parents had jobs that kept them in the area during the virus. Hannah lived in a gated community in an apartment with several other children. They helped each other survive. This is where I met Pete and Lisa. One day Hannah and I were out looking for food. We were talking and laughing and not paying attention to what was going on around us. We ran into the Hyenas. It was too late to run. The Hyenas tied and dragged us into an abandoned building on Chase Street. The Hyenas drag Hannah into a back room. I could hear her crying and begging them to stop. I struggled to get free, but I couldn’t. Hannah finally stopped crying, and the Hyenas came out for me. I was terrified. This was it. I was finally going to die. That’s when Jonas and Matt showed up.  They were my heroes. They beat the Hyenas to a pulp and left a bloody mass of broken bodies on the floor. Hannah died that day. We couldn’t save her. What a waste.

Journal 73

It has been a good morning. The cabins by the lake are in much better shape than the lodge, there are no broken windows or doors off their hinges. I spent the morning doing a little light cleaning and gathering wood. I even found some delicious berries while exploring. The girls and I have been sunbathing most of the morning. Aleece and Lost are also enjoying the great outdoors. Lost is having a good time. The little four-legged critter hasn’t stopped running around since we got here. She is certain that she is going to catch one of those squirrels. We are waiting for the boys to return from their little hunting expedition. I think its male bonding because we have food. The girls and I have decided that we would give them until noon to return and then we are going to break into the stores and eat what we brought from Bear Country.

Yesterday evening at the lodge brought back memories from the past. Those were sad and horrible times. I have tried hard not to dwell on what happened back then. Unfortunately, it is impossible to erase certain memories from your mind. My parents’ deaths crushed and broke me. For a few days, I wanted to die. My heart hurt so badly. I remember lying on my bed, praying that I would go to sleep, and not wake up. My parents were both dead in the other room. I didn’t deserve this. How could this horrible thing have happened? I am not sure when I chose to live and continue with life. I think it was when I decided to bury my parents in the backyard.

It was a challenge to get my parents out of their room and into the back yard. I struggled most of the day. My dad was very big and dead bodies are so very heavy. My mom was a little easier, but it was still a challenge. I am a little amazed that I was able to get them out of the house at all. I drew lines in the dirt to mark the area where I was going to dig. The movies always made digging holes tedious but easily done. Digging holes big enough to bury someone is almost impossible. I dug until my hands had blisters as big as quarters. The hole still wasn’t nearly big enough and the ground was getting too hard for me to dig through. I lay down and cried. I was tired and hungry. I had taken on an impossible task. I was defeated I couldn’t do it. I placed a couple of blankets and a tarp over my parents and put bricks my father had stored in the shed around the edge. I wanted to bury them and say a prayer. It’s what you do when your loved ones die. I saw it happen in the movies a hundred times. I went back to my house and opened one of the last cans of vegetables that were in the pantry.

Journal 72

It took us a little longer to get started on our little journey than we expected. The wait for the truck took forever. When the truck arrived, it was huge. I was expecting a normal pickup truck. The truck Tony, Pete and Jonas brought back to Bear Country was military issue. I didn’t even know there was a truck like that in Bear Country.

We loaded up our gear and supplies. It amazes me what people think they need to bring on a vacation. The journey wasn’t too bad once we actually got started. We played a few hands of rock, paper, and scissors to choose the driver. There was no traffic, which isn’t surprising because most kids don’t drive. There were a few people walking along the way, a cow in the road, and several stray dogs. Tony hit a big pothole in the road and those of us in the back went flying. He said he didn’t see the hole until it was too late. Jonas took over driving after that.

We arrived at the lodge just as it was starting to get dark. We all decided that it would probably be a good idea if we all stayed in the big house until the morning. Tomorrow we will check out the cabins near the lake. Everyone started to unload the truck. Emily took Aleece and Runt into the lodge to scope out the rooms. We were expecting the inside to be a mess. Some of the windows were broken out and the front door was off its hinges. The lodge was probably home to an assortment of animals and little critters. We heard Emily scream. We dropped everything and went to help expecting to find an angry raccoon, a snake, or a large angry spider.

The past came rushing back as soon as we entered the room at the top of the stairs. Emily was standing there frozen, crying.

We don’t know when she died. She probably came here to the lodge to escape the disease. She was lying on the bed and next to the bed was the portable crib. The baby, a little girl, was sitting leaning against the bars. She was wearing My Little Pony pajamas. No one said anything but we all knew because we had seen this sort of thing before that the baby died sometime after her mom. There was no one there to save her. Her last days were misery. You can only imagine how she must have cried for her mom empty bottle in hand. Her mom must have thought they would be safe here, away from people, away from the disease.

It felt as if we stood there forever. I was resisting the urge to cry and then suddenly I needed to know what their names were. I started going through the drawers looking for identification. Tony made me stop. He pushed the others and me out of the room. He closed the door and tied a piece of fabric around the handle. It’s what we used to do to let others know that death was behind a door.  There were so many dead that we couldn’t bury them all. A few of us tried but the task was too big. It was easier to tie a piece of cloth around the door handle.

We all walked back downstairs to the lobby. Our little two-week vacations have started with sadness. We all thought of going home but what would be the point, we can’t change what happened in the past. Jonas was the first person to speak. It was funny in a morbid kind of way. He said, “I guess we won’t be staying in that room tonight.”

Journal 71

Brightens Mountain is east of Bear Country. On that mountain is an old resort my family used to visit when I was a child. It used to be a popular place, especially in the winter when it snowed. I remember having so much fun up there. In the summer, my parents would rent one of the cabins and we would stay for a week and go fishing. My Dad spent his time baiting the hooks and trying to keep me from falling off the edge into the water. I miss those times.

Tony, Sheriff Pete, and Jonas are currently out getting a truck and enough gas to get us there and back. I’m almost finished with my packing. I left a message with a couple of people and on the bulletin board for Casey in case she returns before we get back. Bear Country will be safe.

In a couple of hours, I will leave my worries behind for two weeks. I won’t be alone. The list of people going on this little vacation includes Aleece, Tony, Runt, Pete, Jonas, Lisa, and Matt, Hemy, Joshua, his sister Kate, Emily, and me.

Journal 70

Tony dropped by to see me. He stood in my doorway for a few moments. I was sitting in the rocker playing with Aleece. I was sort of ignoring that he was standing there. I think I was waiting for Tony to say something first. He finally said something like “So how are things going today?” I did the eye roll thing and said “Life is fine.” I don’t think he believed me. I’m not sure I believe in me. I continued to play with Aleece, hoping he would just go away. Tony came all the way in my room. He sat on the couch. I did more rolling of my eyes. “What do you want?” I asked. Tony innocently said he wanted nothing. He just wanted to know if Aleece and I wanted to go to the park for lunch. I calmly said that the park was still too wet from the storm. He had an alternative plan. He invited us to the Arcade. I tried to say no but he insisted. I bundled up Aleece and we went to the Arcade.

The arcade was fun. Hyatt was as polite and nice as he was the last time we stepped into his establishment. I was glad the storm didn’t hurt his business. I spent the next few hours trying to avoid a serious conversation with Tony. I know he wanted to talk to me about recent events. I did everything I could to avoid discussing the issues. Tony finally got tired of chasing me around. He cornered me and dragged me outside to a bench.

The first thing I said was that I didn’t think Casey was coming back. The responsibility was overwhelming me. Tony said it was OK. He’d help. He said Casey would be back. I am not sure if he really believed that or if he was just trying to make me feel better. Our conversation continued about many other things. We even discussed my role as Gang leader. I have been gang leader from the beginning but lately I have wondered if maybe I should step down and let someone else take over.  Tony listened carefully to everything I had to say, and he was very sympathetic. I cried all over his shirt. Only good friends let you do that. Our conversation ended when I heard Aleece crying inside of the Arcade. Hyatt was doing his best to calm her down. She was just hungry.

The walk home was a quiet one, but I felt better. Tony said he would watch over Aleece for the rest of the evening and give her back to me in the morning. I didn’t object.