The Journal of Madie Beartri

Journal 164

I have had a horrible day. I am angry and sad. I want to crawl into bed and wish the world away. Bear Country burned to the ground, there wasn’t anything we could do. By the time everyone arrived from the Spurs Fort flames had engulfed the entire school. It was heartbreaking to see.

Most of the residents of Bear Country were huddled on the grass across the street. Sheriff Pete was giving orders and sending scouts around the perimeter of the school to look for the missing.

The school was a total loss. We all watched the buildings burn until midmorning. Joshua invited everyone out to the Spurs Fort. He said we would make room. I thought it was a nice gesture. I think Joshua was trying to make me feel better.

Sheriff Pete said goodbye to all his new gang members. They all decided to find new homes elsewhere for a variety of reasons. I was able to convince Sheriff Pete, Matt, Hemy, JT, Evan, Marty, Cecelia, and Jonas to come and stay at the Spurs Fort. Tony refused to come. He is still mad at me.

Madie

Journal 161

I walked around and around in the plaza today. I wasted a couple of hours. I wasn’t looking for anything in particular to barter for. I was trying to decide if I should go to Bear Country to talk to Tony. I started walking towards Bear Country a couple of times before turning around and going back to the plaza for more browsing.

The plaza is bursting with life. It’s about time. I think that this year the number of people opening Kiosks and selling goods is going to be more than in the past. I found the perfect pair of shoes. Unfortunately, the kiosk owner refused to set them aside so that I could run home to the Spurs Fort and dig up payment. Another girl bought them just as I was walking away. Dang it!

The weather is finally warming. I was getting tired of the chilly weather. It has been nice for the past week or so. The sun brings people outside. When it’s cold most people stay indoors. The world in and around Bear Country doesn’t look so desolate when people are around and about. Our town is in shambles with broken buildings and trash everywhere. It’s unlivable in few places. When I was small, and my parents were still alive, this town was so beautiful. Now it looks like a garbage heap.

Journal 160

My mind can’t seem to rest. My mind is somewhere else but in the present. I was helping Joshua rebuild a fence on the west side of the Spurs Fort. All I had to do was hold the blank in place. I kept letting it slip. This made Joshua a little peeved because he kept missing his mark to nail it in place. He fired me. I was hindering his efforts to get the fence built.

Joshua has asked me more than a dozen times today if I am feeling all right. I told him I was feeling a little ill, which was a lie. I didn’t want to tell him that I was thinking about Tony. I doubt Joshua would appreciate the fact that my mind is filled with thoughts of another man. I wasn’t thinking romantic thoughts. I can’t let go of the fact that Tony hates me. I don’t want him to hate me. I feel as if our relationship needs some sort of closure. I have been debating with myself all day about going to Bear Country and trying to have a talk with Tony.

Journal 159

I walked out to Bear Country with Kate in tow. Joshua had a list of things he wanted to accomplish today especially since I kept him occupied all yesterday. I’m not sure if Joshua had an actual list or if he just didn’t want to go to Bear Country with me. I think it’s probably the latter.

After receiving specific instructions from Joshua, Kate was with me to keep me focused on the task. I was supposed to retrieve my lost journal and not fight with anyone inside of Bear Country. Things were going well until I entered the front doors. Tony was on his way out. I said “HI” trying to be friendly. Tony wasn’t interested in being friendly. He pushed past me and told me to go home. I turned around and followed him down the steps. I wanted him to wait and talk to me. I wanted to apologize. Tony wasn’t interested in my apology. He asked Kate to take me home and then ran down the street. I was going to follow but Kate wouldn’t let me go.

My journal was indeed in the desk drawer in my old room. It was a relief to get it back. Kate and I ran into Sheriff Pete as we were leaving. Pete apologized for asking me to leave the other day. He was just trying to keep the peace. I asked if he knew why Tony was so angry with me. Pete looked at me and asked where I wanted him to start. The list was long. I didn’t give Pete much of a chance to start naming off my misdeeds and lack of good judgments. I cut him off after he mentioned my track- record of switching men.

Journal 158

I like surprises. I was expecting today to be like yesterday and the day before. Joshua is up every day before the sun. He works so very hard. I was happily surprised to see him still lying next to me when I woke. I watched him sleep for a good while. At least I thought he was sleeping. I was gently running my fingers through the curls on his head when he asked if I was going to get up and make some coffee. I teased him by saying if he wanted coffee he could get up and make it himself. I also suggested that while he was up, he make breakfast. We put coffee and breakfast on hold. We crawled out of bed around eleven.

After breakfast or rather lunch, Joshua gave me a riding lesson. I’m not very good. I can’t seem to get the horse to go in the desired direction. Joshua had a good laugh and spent most of the time leading the horse around.

Journal 157

Life is very busy here at the Spurs Fort. Joshua never takes a break. He is constantly going from sunup to sundown. I had to make him take a break yesterday to eat lunch. He would have worked straight thru if I hadn’t put up a fuss. I finally have everything unpacked and put away. It took forever. I have a lot of junk. I have moved into the room next-door to Joshua. Joshua wanted me to move my things into his room, but I don’t think I am ready for that yet. I need a little room, a little space to retreat to that is all my own, although, I have yet to sleep in my own room. If truth be known, the only time I have spent in there is when I was organizing and putting my things away. In the evenings, Joshua likes to snuggle, and I don’t have the energy to get up off his bed and go next door. The morning hours come way too quickly, it’s easier if I just stay put.

I am missing one of my diaries. I can’t find it anywhere. I think it might be in one of the drawers of the desk back home in Bear Country. I dread having to go back there but I need that journal. I wish I knew why everyone is mad at me. I suppose I could ask but truthfully, I am a little afraid of what the answer might be.

Journal 156

I was up before the sun this morning. I haven’t been sleeping well. I can’t get Tony off my mind. I feel bad. He hates me.

On a lighter note, the funniest thing happened this morning. At least it was funny to me. I was sitting in my rocking chair on the front porch daydreaming and drinking a cup of bad coffee. Joshua steps out on the porch wearing nothing but his jeans and an unbuttoned shirt. He wore no hat, no boots, and no gun. His short curly hair is disarray. I had a sudden feeling of déjà vu. This had happened before. Only this time Joshua didn’t run back inside to make himself presentable. This time he hugs me, kisses me, takes a sip of my coffee, and invites me back inside.