The Journal of Madie Beartri

Journal 164

Please excuse the crooked writing of this Journal. It’s hard to write in a truck that consistently hits every pothole in the road. It was a lovely meal. Yates and I had a nice talk at dinner last night. He had a list of things we were going to do when we returned to Fort Shasta. It all sounded so wonderful. I made up my mind that I was going with him. I need stability and a life that is not so complicated. I can have that at Fort Shasta with Yates. There will be no more worrying about enemies taking over my home. I look forward to not having to make difficult complicated decisions of survival.

I packed my things and let my friends know I was leaving everyone except Tony. I couldn’t find him.  I wish I could have talked to him one more time. I left a letter on his bed in the basement. My heart hurts because I didn’t get to say goodbye to him. I stalled the convoy leaving as long as I could. Yates was beginning to get irritated with me. I kept running back into Bear Country to get something to take on my journey. I hate saying goodbyes, but it would have been nice if I could have said goodbye. I wanted to give Tony a hug.

I left a note with Lisa to give to Casey in case she returns to Bear Country with Aleece. Pete promised me they would elect a new gang leader in a few days. I suggested he run for the position.

I think one of my longest goodbyes was to Joshua of the Spurs. Joshua is a wonderful leader and a great friend. I have not known Joshua for very long, but he was always there when I needed to talk to someone. Joshua gave Yates and me a bottle of wine to take on our journey. He wished us luck and happiness. I promised Joshua I would send the occasional letter to let him know how I was doing. He said he would write in return.

Madie

Journal 163

The games we play. It rained just enough today to make the ground muddy in places and to make a game of touch football worth watching. General Yates and a few of his soldiers played against Tony, Sheriff Pete, Jonas, Matt, Hemy, Hyatt, and Joshua. (I don’t play football, but I watch). Marty and Victor were the referees. By the end of the game, it was almost impossible to tell who was who.  Not one person playing the game escaped being covered in mud from head to toe. I thought the whole purpose of playing flag football was so that no one is tackled. I could be wrong because people were rolling in the mud on nearly every play.  It was a close game. The game continued until the players couldn’t pick themselves up out of the mud anymore. Yates and his soldiers made an admirable attempt at winning unfortunately the people living in and around Bear Country have a determination that can’t be beat.

Yates and his soldiers will be leaving first thing in the morning. Do I stay or do I go? I am joining Yates for dinner in about an hour. I promised to give Yates my answer by the end of our meal. My brain is telling me life would be safer and less complicated at Ft Shasta. My heart is telling me not to leave Bear Country. This is my home. Yates is a good man. It would be insane to turn down his offer of a better life.

I think everyone knows I am thinking about leaving. I have been getting looks from people all day long. No one has come out and asked me. I think they are all waiting to see how I make up my mind. I went to the basement to talk to Tony earlier, but he wasn’t there. I think he is avoiding me. I hope he doesn’t think avoiding me is going to make it easier for me to make my decision. I need to talk to him. I long for the days when making decisions was a lot easier. Either I did what my parents asked me to do, or I didn’t.

Journal 162

It has been a strange day. For one thing, it has been raining on and off all morning and the sun is shining. Secondly, I have the feeling a couple of people are trying to play with my mind. I dropped by the cafeteria in hopes of finding an apple in the food stores when I ran into Yates and Tony sitting at one of the tables. I couldn’t hear what they were saying but they were both chatting away. It looked as if they were enjoying themselves. They both acknowledged me as I walked into the room. Yates stood up from the table, gave Tony a handshake, and then walked out of the room but not before giving me a small kiss on the cheek as he passed by. I appreciated the kiss, but it felt a bit odd with Tony sitting there. Tony didn’t seem upset about it.

Tony smiled at me and said he would stay and keep me company but that he had to go see a couple of people about a football game. I inquired about “what football game?” but Tony didn’t answer.  He was in a hurry. He also kissed me on the cheek as he walked out. I stood there in the middle of the room slightly confused and wondering exactly what happened in my absence. I am certain Yates and Tony are up to no good.

I walked out of the cafeteria without a snack. I made it all the way up to my room before I realized I was still hungry.

Journal 161

Life is quiet around Bear Country. Matt, Hemy and the rest of the Central Bobcats have moved back to the Central Campus. They actually left right after the cobra defeat, but I forgot to mention it in my journal. Hemy was so happy to go back home. Matt has decided to join her there. Matt has totally moved out of Bear Country for the second time. I will miss Matt and Hemy, but I am glad they are finally getting to start a life together in peace and without distraction. I think Jonas might be a little jealous of his brother. He has not managed to find that one significant other. Although in the eyes of several of the boys and men around here, he has a very enviable life. He has no shortage of girls at his doorstep.

My life is a bit more complicated. I have been splitting my time between Yates and Tony. I have been trying to sort out my feelings for the both of them. Currently they are both running neck and neck. Both Yates and Tony are excellent kissers, and they are both so sweet. I am running out of time. Yates expects an answer soon. I think Tony is just hanging out for my answer. Both of them were perfect gentlemen. Yates and Tony don’t talk to each other; at least if they have talked to each other I don’t know about it. I have seen the both of them give each other the occasional glance. It was a “have a good day glance” not an “I’m going to kill you later glance”. I am so confused. I think I remember my fairy tales pretty well. Whatever happened to dueling and fighting to the death? I don’t want anyone hurt but it would be nice to have a little friction between the two of them.  Maybe if I am lucky one of them will turn evil. Of course, he won’t be evil, just misunderstood. I’m sure one of them has a deep dark secret he’s trying to hide. I could find out about it and feel sorry for him. I need something to make my decision easier. Do I go to Ft Shasta or do I stay in Bear Country?

The Library Trio stopped by my room today between my dates with Yates and Tony. The grape vine is once again active in Bear Country. Everyone must know my dilemma by now. Gretchen and Cecelia brought me a book on relationships. They wanted to know if I needed any advice. I thought of asking how they handled their specific living arrangements but changed my mind before I asked. I don’t think I am willing to maintain two boyfriends at the same time. By the way, I still haven’t asked but I am certain Gretchen and Cecelia are both pregnant. Go Marty!

Journal 160

It’s sad but true. People die. Before the virus struck, I used to be interested in the obituaries in the newspaper. I was curious about who died. Who was the oldest person and who was the youngest person? I really didn’t care who these people were or what they meant to their families. I was just fascinated that they died. These days when someone dies, it’s more personal. I have lost more friends than I care to remember.

Tony, Victor, Sheriff Pete, the Library Trio (Marty, Gretchen, and Cecelia) and me went to the warehouse to see if we could retrieve Hess’s body from the rubble. I thought it would be nice to lay her to rest somewhere instead of leaving her body to decay amongst the rubble. She actually did a lot of good in her short life even if she didn’t end her life on a good note. There were already several Blue Monarchs searching thru the rubble when we arrived at the warehouse. The rubble was still smoldering in places. You have to be careful. I burned a couple of fingers. We searched for a couple of hours but didn’t find her body anywhere.

General Yates and his soldiers are preparing to leave Bear Country. Yesterday morning after the party, I went to see how General Yates was doing. I was worried he might be sick. He didn’t look very well when he left the party. Yates was not having a good day. He was barking orders left and right. He grabbed one of the younger soldiers by his shirt and yelled at him to do what he was told. I quickly got the feeling that he was upset with me and his soldiers were feeling the brunt of his anger. I cornered Yates in one of the trucks and kicked the other two soldiers out. I begged Yates to talk to me. It took some time, but he finally told me what was wrong. Yates came to Bear Country to help me out and to ask me to go back to Ft Shasta with him.

If I had stayed at Ft Shasta, I could have avoided this whole Bliss and Black Cobra nightmare. I would probably be playing house right now with Yates and his son. Yates knew about the night I stayed in the basement with Tony. Victor had told Yates where I was when he went looking for me to invite me to breakfast. Yates knew where I had been before he even asked. He caught me in a lie. I wasn’t trying to keep Tony a secret.  I just didn’t think it was anyone else’s business.  If I had realized Yates had feelings for me, I would have made a couple of different decisions. I can’t change what has already happened. Yates still wants me to go back to Ft Shasta with him. He has given me two days to make up my mind.

Tony and I have not made any type of commitment to each other. I don’t know how he feels about the other night. I am not sure how I feel about the other night. Tony is a good man, and he is my friend.

 

Journal 159

Most of Bear Country attended the party out at the Spurs Fort. Joshua was once again a wonderful generous host. There was plenty of food, drink, and music. General Yates arranged for his soldiers to attend the party in shifts. All of the soldiers deserved a party. I’m glad they all had an opportunity to attend. Yates didn’t spend a lot of time at the party. I don’t think he was feeling well. He left shortly after eating. I wish he had stayed to enjoy the festivities. I offered to walk him back to Bear Country, but he insisted I stay at the party. I think everyone who attended the party had a wonderful time. The party was a great deal of fun and it lasted well into the morning hours. Joshua shouldn’t make so much alcohol available.

I think a few people drank a little too much, including Tony. Sheriff Pete helped me get Tony back to Bear Country and put him in bed. The walk back was a challenge. Tony wanted to climb everything and kept trying to fly. It was funny the first couple of attempts and then it became annoying. The walk home took forever. I’m going to have a serious talk with that boy today after he wakes up. I have a feeling he isn’t going to remember much of what happened.

Journal 158

Everyone living inside Bear Country survived that winter. Many of the other gangs living around Bear Country weren’t so lucky. I saw more than one dead frozen soul on the streets that winter. Each time I saw a dead body I promised myself I wouldn’t let that happen to my friends. We were going to survive no matter what I had to do.

By the time Tony and I climbed out of the basement it was already mid-morning. Tony went to town, and I went to check on Yates. General Yates and his soldiers were putting the captured Black Cobras into trucks, preparing to take them away so that they couldn’t cause trouble. Yates wanted to know where I had been all morning. He had stopped by my room around 7am to see if I wanted to join him for breakfast but I wasn’t there.  I came up with some excuse about waking up early and going for a walk to clear my head.

Joshua from the Spurs Gang dropped by to give me a hug and to congratulate General Yates and his soldiers on defeating Cain and the Black Cobras.  General Yates said thank you but said we shouldn’t get too excited. He said that most likely there were still people out there producing Bliss and distributing it in the community.  Yates had a good point. Totally getting rid of Bliss in the community is probably never going to happen. Joshua invited everyone in Bear Country, General Yates, and his soldiers out to the Spurs Fort for a party. He said it would help with morale. We accepted.

Journal 157

It was a long cold winter. I kept Cain a secret and I prayed for spring. Each time I went to Cain I told myself I was never going back no matter how hungry I was. The kids of Bear Country continued with daily food hunting excursions, but we kept coming up empty handed. After several days without eating, I had no choice but to return to Cain. He was the only source of food I knew about. Each time I knocked on his door he would smile and invite me into the den of disgust. The cost of food kept rising. Cane forced me to do more and more awful things. His temper was short. His friends weren’t any better.  If I refused a request I was beaten and pushed out into the cold with only half the food I was promised or none at all. I explained my bruises by telling my friends someone attacked me on the street.

My nightmare ended when the snow melted. Shortly after the last time I knocked on Cain’s door I heard a rumor that he was killed in a freak accident. Cain had more enemies than he had friends. I guess the rumor was false.

Journal 156

I was feeling guilty. I had eaten the entire can and I still had no food for my friends. I kept looking at the cases of peaches stacked against the wall. I thought of stealing a couple of cans and running away. After thinking about it for a few moments, I realized I couldn’t outrun Cain and his friends. I was so cold, and my legs were barely holding me up.

Cain kept smiling at me. He had a nice smile and nice eyes. His voice was very comforting. He asked if I was still hungry. I said no even though I was certain I could eat an entire case all by myself. I was trying to get up the nerve to ask for some cans for my friends back at Bear Country. Cain saw me staring at the peaches against the wall. He said he was willing to barter for them. I told him I had nothing to trade. He said I had plenty to trade. He touched my hair and face and said I looked decent. That’s when my nightmare began.

I carried four cans of peaches home to Bear Country that day. I told my friends I had found them in an abandoned apartment.

Journal 155

After I showered, I went down to the basement. Tony had prepared us a meal. There was enough food in the basement to last us a week. Neither of us ate. I think we were both too tired to eat. Tony and I sat on his bed and talked for a while. It was nice. The conversation accidentally turned serious, so Tony told a couple of bad jokes to change the subject. The jokes made me laugh. I needed a laugh.

It’s about three or 4am. I think. It’s hard to tell down here, there’s only one small window and I didn’t bring my watch. I thought of looking at Tony’s, but he wears his watch on the bottom side of his wrist. I would have to move his arm to read it. Tony has been sleeping so soundly. I didn’t want to disturb him.

I couldn’t sleep. I kept dreaming about the winter I spent under Cain’s torment. It was our first winter after moving into Bear Country. The cold caught us unprepared. I can’t remember ever seeing that much snow. We were living from one day to the next and neglected to store food up for the winter. By the time we realized we had no food stores it was too late to do anything about it. We took turns going out into the cold searching for food. Most of the time we came back empty handed. The streets were deserted that winter. The cold and snow kept people inside huddled in masses. I was so hungry and desperate. If I didn’t find us something to eat, my friends and I were going to die. By sheer chance, I ran into Cain. He and a couple of his friends were standing around a fire barrel laughing and eating canned peaches. They had a couple of cases stacked against the building. I begged for some. Cain smiled at me and opened a can. I think I ate the whole can in one gulp.