Journal 160

My mind can’t seem to rest. My mind is somewhere else but in the present. I was helping Joshua rebuild a fence on the west side of the Spurs Fort. All I had to do was hold the blank in place. I kept letting it slip. This made Joshua a little peeved because he kept missing his mark to nail it in place. He fired me. I was hindering his efforts to get the fence built.

Joshua has asked me more than a dozen times today if I am feeling all right. I told him I was feeling a little ill, which was a lie. I didn’t want to tell him that I was thinking about Tony. I doubt Joshua would appreciate the fact that my mind is filled with thoughts of another man. I wasn’t thinking romantic thoughts. I can’t let go of the fact that Tony hates me. I don’t want him to hate me. I feel as if our relationship needs some sort of closure. I have been debating with myself all day about going to Bear Country and trying to have a talk with Tony.