The Journal of Madie Beartri

Journal 70

I paced back and forth inside my room for what seemed like hours. A group of children played outside my window. Lisa oversaw the little group. She was teaching the children games, songs and reading them stories. I opened my window and tried to get Lisa’s attention. Lisa ignored me and instructed the children not to look my way.

One of the guards’ steps into my room and closes the window. He said it would be best if I left the window closed. A few minutes later, he returns with a hammer and a nail.

Tony finally brought me some lunch. He walked past the guards as happy as a lark. Tony had a huge smile on his face. He placed the lunch tray on my desk and then tried to kiss me on the cheek. I was pissed and angry. They held me prisoner in my room for hours. I wanted to know what was going on. Tony acted as if nothing was wrong. He started to talk to me as if I was a child. The way he was talking to me just made me angrier.

I threw a right fist to Tony’s chin, but my aim was bad. I missed it. Tony grabbed me from behind and wrapped his arms around me. He said everything would be fine. I just needed a little time. I would be myself again. I struggled against his hold and stomped his foot. Unfortunately, my feet were bare. I hurt myself. One of the guards walks into the room and places a rag across my mouth. The room suddenly turned black.

Journal 69

I felt as if Sheriff Pete was talking in code. He reminded us to attend the ceremony at the designated place, at the designated time and not to be late. What place? What ceremony? What time? Everything Pete said was cryptic. At least it felt cryptic to me.

Everyone else seemed to understand perfectly. Tony kept nodding in agreement with Pete. The meeting ended with a toast. We all gathered in front of the theatre. Everyone passed around a bottle of wine. Tony filled my glasses for me. Sheriff Pete raised his glass and said something about new beginnings and better times. Glasses clanked together. Everyone drank but me. I didn’t feel like it. Something felt wrong. I stood there and held my glass. Everyone started to stare at me. Tony asked if I was going to drink or if I was going to jinks now. I smiled and drank.

I don’t know what was in that drink. I woke up in my room. Someone changed my clothes. I was dressed in white. I jumped out of bed to search for Tony and give him a piece of my mind. I didn’t get far. There were guards at my door. I tried to be cool and walk past them, but they stepped into my path.

Journal 68

The morning was going fine. Everything seemed normal until Sheriff Pete called for a gang meeting. Everyone gathered in the theater. Tony and I were one of the first people to arrive. We took seats in the third row. Everyone residing in Bear Country attended. How weird. I never actually got everyone to attend my meetings. There were always at least a couple of people missing. I didn’t see anyone missing.

Everyone was wearing white or something as close to white as he or she could get. I felt out of place and a little confused with the sudden change in wardrobe everyone seemed to have acquired but me. I tried to ask Tony what was up, but he shushed me. He said he would answer my questions later. Right then Tony wanted to hear what Sheriff Pete had to say.

I almost jumped up out of my seat and yelled at Tony for shushing me. I caught a quick glance of the rest of the people in the room. I felt as if everyone was staring at me. I had sunk back into my seat. I’d wait until later to let Tony know what I was thinking about his shush. In the meantime, I gave Tony the stare of death.

Pete was up on the stage with a couple of his deputies flanking him. They were carrying spears. When did they start carrying spears?

Journal 67

My nightmares continue. I tried to avoid them, but nothing seemed to help. I even read the tales of Winnie the Pooh until I couldn’t keep my eyes open any longer. The last thing I remember hearing was Matt and Hemy chasing each other down the hall to their room. I glanced at the clock, and it was one. I don’t know exactly when I drifted off to sleep, it was probably sometime after that.

I didn’t realize I was dreaming everything seemed incredibly real. Tony came into my room and woke me up. He was sweet and he was happy. He said he had missed me. It was wonderful.

Tony prefers to wear black. He is always dressed in a black kimono, or Black shirt, and Black pants. I have rarely seen him in anything else. My first question to Tony after he woke me was “Why are you wearing those white pajama pants?” He simply smiled and said, “I’m just trying something new.” I didn’t want to say but I don’t think he looks good in white.

Journal 66

When I was little before the virus my parents used to sneak kisses with each other when they thought I wasn’t looking. I used to think it was gross. My parent’s affectionate behavior towards each other did have its advantages. They didn’t allow me to play on the computer or play video games during the week because of homework. EXCEPT on those days when my parents were in the mood for romance. My parents would excuse themselves to their room and stay for hours. I would get no dinner that night, at least not a dinner with meat, two vegetables and a roll. I didn’t mind. I preferred snacks anyway. When my parents decided to make re-entrance into the living room they would always apologize for their absence and come up with some sad excuse why they needed to talk in the bedroom. As if I thought, they were in there talking. I was a good daughter and pretended I hadn’t noticed. They didn’t scold me for breaking house rules about computers and video games.

Couples are everywhere. It must be a full moon or something. I hate days like today. I always feel as if I am intruding. Couples are around every corner. I must have missed the memo that said today was make out day. These days always happen when I have no one.

On my way to the bathroom, I ran into a couple making out in the bathroom. Surely, they could have found a better place. The sudden rush of emotion couldn’t wait.

Jonas and Shanice were making out in the admin hallway. A few more feet and they would have been inside Jonas’s room. Why couldn’t they take a few more steps and close the door? Matt and Hemy were making out on one of the tables in the kitchen. I voiced my opinion on their choice of make out spots. Matt and Hemy both apologized and then went back to what they were doing. My whole purpose of going to the kitchen was to get something to eat. I left the kitchen without checking what was available in the food stores. I wonder if Matt and Hemy are finished. My tummy is rumbling in protest.

Journal 65

Tony is out. I couldn’t find him anywhere today. I have been all over this campus. I was hoping to spend a little quality time with him. He is mad because I spent two days out at the Spur’s Fort. In my defense, Tony could have come out there. I invited him.

I ran into Victor while on my way to the media center. I wanted to see if Mary, Gretchen, or Cecelia knew about any books on dreams. I am still having nightmares. I can’t seem to shake them. Victor said Tony went to see some friends but that he didn’t know when Tony was coming back. I asked what friends, but Victor said he didn’t know. I tried to drag it out of the little runt, but he played dumb. I grabbed Victor by the front of his shirt and demanded to know where Tony was. Victor wasn’t intimidated. He can almost look me straight in the eyes. If anyone knew where Tony was it would be Victor. For some reason, Victor wasn’t about to give up any information.

Marty said there weren’t any books on dreams in the library. Gretchen and Cecelia were out for the day. Marty said he was going to go to the city library tomorrow for research. He said he would look for books on dreams for me. He is so sweet.

Journal 64

Joshua and I took the long way back to Bear Country. I was in no hurry to get home. Joshua and I played a game of kicking the can down Preston Street. Joshua is good but I can hold my own. There were only a couple of times when I had to go and retrieve the can because it got by me. I don’t think I have laughed this much in a long time.

The followers of Aloysius were parading around town. Their parade looked much like the Mardi Gras parades I have seen in the history books in the media center. The followers of Aloysius looked like they were having a tremendous amount of fun, so Joshua and I joined their ranks for a couple of blocks. The parade passed Hyatt’s arcade. Joshua and I dropped out of the parade and went inside for a couple of drinks and a round of pool. The Hyatt’s guards almost didn’t let us in. The followers of Aloysius like to preach and scare away Hyatt’s customers. They are not good for business. Joshua and I had to swear we were not followers of Aloysius, and we had to promise not to begin preaching while in the Arcade.

By the time we reached Bear Country, it was late. I offered to make a bed for Joshua to sleep in, but he insisted he needed to go home. After a kiss on the cheek, we said goodnight.

Journal 63

I am trying not to overstay my welcome. I need to go home to Bear Country, but I am not in the mood. Today has been a good day. It has been a peaceful and restful day. The weather has been wonderful. There was a cool breeze blowing most of the day. I think autumn is finally on its way.

I think I have developed a fondness for this porch and this rocking chair. I have done nothing all day but sit in this chair. For a little while, I wandered around and watched Joshua do his chores. Joshua spent most of the morning trying to break a horse that didn’t like to wear a saddle. The horse didn’t appreciate anyone sitting in that saddle either. After lunch, Joshua and I sat on the porch and played cards. I beat him in three out of four games of war. I asked Joshua if he minded if I stayed around until after dinner. He said I could stay as long as I wanted. He enjoyed my company. I hope I am not making a nuisance of myself.

Journal 62

I slept well, no nightmares. In fact, I don’t think I dreamt at all last night. I curled up on the cot and the next thing I knew I was awake and feeling great. Some people are early risers. Joshua is always one of the first people awake at the Spurs Fort. I think it is part of his job to be one of the first people to start their day. I was awake before Joshua today. I am proud of this fact.

I was outside sitting in a rocking chair, talking to a couple of guards when Joshua stepped out onto the porch wearing nothing but his jeans and an untucked shirt. He wore no boots, no hat, and no guns. I don’t think I have ever seen him look so ordinary and human. He always looked bigger than life to me. It felt great to say, “Good morning, Sunshine.” Joshua nearly fell off the porch. He wasn’t expecting me to be awake until later in the day. Joshua said, “Good morning,” tried to tip his nonexistent hat and then excused himself back inside. He came back out to the porch a few minutes later dressed in his hat, boots, and gun. I liked him the other way.

Breakfast was great. We had eggs, grits, toast, and bad coffee!

Journal 61

After the first square dance, Joshua asked me to join him in another. I was getting ready to turn him down when Shanice started waving at me. I could not spend an entire evening listening to that girl talk. I accepted Joshua’s hand and spun around the floor again. Joshua and I danced and danced and danced. I learned the two steps, the waltz, and the western swing. We danced until I couldn’t stand up anymore. My foot is still recovering from the toe infection. I need to wear better shoes next time I decide to dance a night away.

Matt and Hemy left late in the evening. They offered to walk me home. I didn’t want to spoil their romantic walk home, so I declined their offer. I also didn’t want to feel like a third wheel like earlier in the evening. I have no idea when Jonas and Shanice left. They must have left when Joshua and I were still dancing. Tony never made it to the party. I guess that shouldn’t be a surprise. Often wrapped up in whatever he is doing, he forgets about the time. I hate it when he forgets about me.

Joshua and I spent the rest of the evening outside sitting under a tree. We talked about life and our plans. Joshua would like to be a successful rancher. He wants to see his gang grow and become a strong influence on society.

I like talking to Joshua. Our conversations are always interesting, and he is always interested in what I have to say.

As Joshua and I sat under the tree, we watched everyone slowly trickle out of the Fort and go home. The followers of Aloysius were having a meeting in the distance. We could see their fires and faintly hear the songs they were singing. It was actually very beautiful. I think I could have sat under that tree forever. Instead of walking home, I decided to stay here at the Spurs Fort. Joshua promises a real nice breakfast in the morning.